*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?