If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
You Might Also Like
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Feels like the fourth month in January
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there