Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I don’t make the rules sorry
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.