the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
You Might Also Like
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: