My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.