It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…