The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer