I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*