The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”