Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
You Might Also Like
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.