With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)