pelicons
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”