I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Self-cleaning conscience
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Super Hand Dog Face
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
back to work
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti