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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?