piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.