Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
🙋♀️
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT