the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!