[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.