His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
grotesque if literal: baby food
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”