In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.