I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I have two kinds of followers
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.