professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Nothing matters anymore so let鈥檚 bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won鈥檛 stand for being lied to by ugly people
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Never forget when I saw CHILD鈥橲 PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people鈥檚 grandparents
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
At least chocolate chip cookies don鈥檛 look like brains. I鈥檓 talking about you, cauliflower.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 馃槀
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
There鈥檚 always that one guy
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone鈥檚 existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…