I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.