Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay