this is so top tier i cant
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I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“HELP WITH CAT”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.