You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!