[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Finally! 😈
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
May never get over this
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”