there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I only say stupid things when I talk.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.