My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
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[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer