I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
What the hell is going on?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄