Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads