Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
You Might Also Like
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.