What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
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me and my fake scenarios
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party