Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids