Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”