this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You got this…
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.