TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.