MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
S O O N
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.