I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs