I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
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WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
my first dose meeting my second
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables