[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.