[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
the answer was staring at me all along
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
S O O N
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily