Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are