My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Sorry. Not sorry
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The big book of baby names but for safe words
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.