Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.