“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe