[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal