me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
cats when you pet them too long:
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”