Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool