*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
You Might Also Like
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.